La Vitesse – Sort Out Your Site Speed

by Laura Phillips
Site speed. Forever on the ‘To Do’ list, rarely prioritised, especially by the over 30s. I am one so I can say that. It doesn’t matter how many times I bemoan site owners for not treating it as a priority, the sheer finickity nature of improving site speed means they often avoid addressing it for vast swathes of time.Read the full article

C64 cassette loading noise (Nightbreed)

It'll give you nightmares. Recorded from real hardware.

The Dial Up Noise

hahaha... 3 minutes, 25 and a half seconds of nothing but the dial up noise.

DressToKill - Eddie Izzard - Learning French

(excerpt): So yeah, I'm into this, I'm into this idea; it's a positive thing, man. I took my last show, "Glorious," to Paris and I did it in French, and the French people came and stared at me, with that look in their eyes of "quoi?" Because, you know, there's no standup in France, and they're not used to English people speaking French, but I was doing it as a positive thing, because we could be the biggest melting pot in the world! 500 million people, all we have to do is melt a bit, just move it around... Fucking move it around! It was partly that and partly to just go, "yeah..." ( mocking sounds ) So I did that. And I learnt French at school, up to the age of 16, and then I just kept talking it endlessly after that. And at school, the first page I ever learnt in French was full of things that are quite difficult to get into conversation, thinks like "the mouse is underneath the table" -- la souris est en dessous la table. Just slip that when you're buying a ticket to Paris: "Le train à Paris, oui? C'est ici? C'est maintenant? Cinq minutes... la souris est en dessous la table..." The other line was, "the cat is on the chair" -- le chat est sur la chaise -- slightly more easy to fit in; and "the monkey is on the branch" -- "le singe est sur la branche." Very difficult to get into a conversation! Not a lot of jungle in France... monkeys thin on the ground... thin in the air... just generally pretty trim! And yes, so it just wasn't working. We go to bars and cafés, that's where we go; we go to bars and cafés, and we sit there and we have chats in the café. "Oui, j'aime beaucoup le cafê, le cafê noir and très fort; très choud... ( inhales ) avec une cuillère dedans... ( mocking sound ) Ah, le virage de la cuillère; le virage des poitrines... Je mets la cuillère dans la bouche..." "Je suis le Président de Burundi!" Ah, oui, Burundi! Je le connais bien! C'est tout près de Zaire, oui? Tout près de Mozambique... No, Tanzanie, Tanzanie! ( chuckles falsely ) Oui, je les ai appris quand j'ai les pox de poulet. Je dois part maintenant parce que ma grandmère est flambèe..." If you don't speak French, by the way, all that was fucking funny, all right? We go and get hotel rooms for the night: "Vous avez une chambre, monsieur?" "Oui, nous avons les chambres, nous sommes un hôtel!" "OK, je voudrais une chambre avec un grand lit..." -- a large bed -- "avec une vue de la mer..." -- a view of the sea -- "avec une douche... with a spider." "Oui, monsieur... c'est chambre 42, monsieur." "42? Merci beaucoup. Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est sur la branche." "Quois?" "Il y a un singe sur la branche? Le chat? La souris?" "Ou est le singe?" "Le singe est sur la branche." "Est-ce que le singe est dans la chambre?" In the end, the only way I could get that line into a conversation was I had to go to France with a cat, a mouse, a monkey, a table and a chair, and wander around heavily wooded areas. "Come on, come on! Someone's coming, someone's coming! Quick, positions! Les positions, maintenant! Boulot, boulot! Tout de suite! Vas-y! Vas-y! "Bonjour!" "Eh, bonjour. Qu'est-ce qui se passe?" "Bonjour, je suis Anglais, je suis ici en vacances. C'est très belle ici, les couleurs, les bois, très belle." ( inhaling ) "Tu est un travesti?" "Oui, je suis un travesti, mais pas un travesti typical. Je suis un travesti executive... Un travesti d'action!" "Très bien..." "Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est... est... le singe est disparu." Cause the monkey would fuck off! He'd do his own thing. He was a bloody monkey! He was a cheeky monkey... and he knew my French wasn't very good, so he'd go off and do things. "Ah, le singe... maintenant... regarde. Il est sur une bicyclette. Il joue au banjo. Et il fume une pipe. Maintenant, il arrête... Il lit un journal, il a on journal... Et maintenant il est dans l'autobus! Il conduit l'autobus! Et Sandra Bullock est dans l'autobus! Il y a une bombe dans l'autobus! Il faut conduire l'autobus plus de 50 kilomètres par l'heure. Et Keanu Reeves! Là! Il arrive dans la voiture! Il a pas de cheveuxet Jeff Daniels est déjà mort... Regarde, il se jette dans l'autobus. Et Dennis Hopper, oh! Dennis Hopper, quel méchant!" That was the film "Speed" in French, which in France was called "La Vitesse!" Or at least it should have been, but in fact it was called "Speed." Yeah..." (From "Dress To Kill" by Eddie Izzard 1998)